The ride home

His name was Richard and he was in a 18 wheeler .Just turned off the freeway to make a phone call. If I needed help he would take me to the sherrif office up the highway. No I just need to make a phone call. I called my childhood home hoping to reach my father, my mother answered I told her of my trip and the rape she replied ,Well you made your bed now lie in it , those words would shape my intire future and drive a wedge between her and I that remains there now 40 years later. "Maybe she did not understand you" Richard was in disbelief that she had hung up on me ,I was not. There was a reason I left home at 14 and she was it. The sherriff office was a blur why was I on the road, who was I , Where was I going , Will you press charges and stay in Florida. Some how Richard knew as well as I this was a waste of time. I wanted him to take me out of there and that is what he did. He took me to Tampa, put me in a motel room and the next morning Robert was at the door, don't know till this day how he knew I was there. He seemed to be a different person and after two hours of talking and just laying on the bed together He stood up went to the door and said "I can't play house." Dear God who was playing. That evening Richard returned and said he was being sent to california, going right thru Waco and with that I was in the sleeper of his diesel headed back to Waco , back to what never in my life had I been so without a plan. Where would I go from here I had to be strong for my son for now I was all he had.

#1c

The car was hot and the smell of beer ,cigarettes and his sweat made me dizzy at five months pregnant everything smelled so strong. You can let me out at the next stop, I don't feel so well. Do I look like I give a shit how you feel He replied? Turns out that was the nicest thing he said to me. He turned down a gravel road and my mind raced to find a plan to protect my son, we will not die here between Tallahassie and Tampa. I got my military ID from my bag and started telling him my father was the base comander at Fort Hood and I was suppose to have met him in Tampa yesterday but, my car brokedown. Had he listened ,I did not know. He pulled down by a swamp. I did not tell him I was pregnant, don't know why just felt it would anger him. He began to tear at my clothes and hit me in the head. I kept talking about my made up father, It was to late to care if I angered him. He pinned my body to the seat and raped me the pain was severe and I knew this was a fight for life. Get out of the car and stand out front he told me. Hell no if you will kill me, it will be in your car I replied. He ran from driver side to passenger door I had locked it when I got in, He went back to the driver side and I leaped from the passenger side door. I always hated to run in school but, run I did. I saw a small light in the distance and ran for it. Turned out to be a phone booth, I curled up in the floor and tried to hold the door shut with my hands and feet. I could hear his car and knew he was close. Then I felt the door being pushed open. I heard a mans voice ,are you ok do you need help . Thankful it wasn't him I began to cry.I looked around and there were frogs everywhere. I had to trust the stranger here with me.

#1b

The weeks passed and no word from Robert , I waited nine weeks then I had a plan. I would go to Florida, he had talked about home alot. I found him once I could do it again. I knew he was from a small place called St. Pete beach. He could leave me but, I would surely get him to not leave the son ,only weeks before meant so much to him. My car was out of the question so I packed what I could and headed to Trailways Bus Lines. There on the board was Florida Destinations . Tallahasee ,Yea sounds right, only $39. and I'm there. The ride was forty two hours long I was tired and my back ached so bad, I would get a room and start my search early tomorrow. The next morning I went to the office and ask how to get to St. Pete, Baby St. Pete is near Tampa not Tallahasee, the clerk said laughing , to this day I hate being called BABY. Back to Trailways. The ticket was $39. how could that be I came all the way from Waco for $39.? Seems intrastate is more expensive. I only have $32. left. OK I got to Fort Hood hitching rides I just need to head in Tampa direction. The first ride was great, it was only 160 miles to Tampa when the couple let me out. Then a 56 chevy pulled over and I got in that is one of those moments in life you wish you could go back to, I knew as soon as he sped off I was in trouble,I had to protect my son ,this is the first time in my life I had to deal with terror.

#1 A

The weather was freezing but, the air in the GTO was warm . We had beeen to the Dr. and it was as I thought ,we were having a baby. He was not angry as I had feared, He was seven weeks out of Vietnam , that was a hard time for all who made it home. "I need someone to hold on to something in my life for me, I need my son" Those words would hold true years later, that would become his cross to bare. The next nine weeks went so perfect I don't feel my life was ever that perfect again. Patricia was my best friend and Greg was Roberts we did everything together and wed one week before Robert and Greg were out of the military. They left Waco on a March morning so happy, heading to Indiana to see Gregs parents. That night Robert received a call from Fort Hood five hours into their trip Greg's Camaro had been hit headon by a truck, both burned beyond recognition. Rob was shattered and Had to go to the funeral. I understood He told me he would go to Indiana then his parents ,be back in three weeks. As I watched him pull away and turn the corner I again felt so alone but, I had our son , Now I felt sure he would return, if not for me his son. That return took thirty years.

Number 0ne

I once had a brother in law who said my kids came too often to remember their name so he gave a number . He would say Hey You number three. He was out of the family before number seven,lucky him. I remember the day I was pregnant with number one . I awoke fifteen, living on my own,working a full time job in a chicken plant in Waco Texas. I had married at fourteen,lied about being pregnant to do so. I wanted away from home so I married Larry he was twenty and on his way to Vietnam. I would collect his seperate maintence and work, at fourteen I had a plan. Then came Robert the first and one of the only men to take my breathaway. I had gone to the U.S.O. with a friend and he pulled into the parking lot in a Maroon GTO. I never even considerd getting pregnant but , that night I found out you do not have to think to get pregnant. You don't have to know their name Either, all I new was Robert. I remembered the GTO had gold lettering on the door RCW initials. Again at fifteen I had a plan how many RCW could there be on Fort Hood I would get there and find out someone who knew him . It had only been two weeks but, I knew I was pregnant. My car was down so I dressed for winter and Hitchhiked to Fort Hood. The PX was my first stop and as I grabbed the door I felt his hand on my shoulder I was right he was so easy to find . Where would we go from here . I remember every word he said to me in the car .

A Mothers Pain and Joy

1:30 AM and I awake to severe pain all over. I grab on the bedside table for my cell,Do I need to call 911 ?Then with the lighted keys I see the Date June 3rd. I wonder if ever I will get thru this date with no effect. I hear people say that after the death of a child they were numb,I've waited and prayed 31 years for that feeling, It never comes. I have felt joy only a mother can ,the joy of $50. in your hand after working a second job at night cleaning offices and knowing at least for this day you will provide.I have known the pain not once but, twice of watching the tiny box go into the ground and knowing the things the little body inside will never do. The pain so great you wonder how the world around you continues to turn and if you will ever see joy in it again,for now you can't emagine laughter will ever come to you . I get to the dresser and take whatever I can ,Do not know ,nor care what they are as long as the pain stops.I look at the pictures around me and see the olive skin and blue eyes of my remaining five sons and the absence of the two I lost. That absence is always with you it becomes part of your soul.
Each picture has a name and memories Larry William(Bill) ,Jeremy (Wade) ,Chris Wayne Joesph Wiley (stillborn 1976 ) James Weylin (Died of sudden infant death syndrom 1977) John Wessley (Wess) and Clinton Wrae (my baby Wrae) Each absence of pictures is what steals your mind in the hours when only you are with your thoughts. Am I catholic or just stupid some have ask ,no neither One birth control, one IUD and my last after a tubaligation. I guess I tried but, sometimes being pregnant is your salvation in a abusive relationship. Not a good reason to bring a child into this world. When you are young and thrown into the world of adulthood you make so many mistakes, and often it is your children who suffer for them ,for that my sons I am sorry.

looking into yourself

As I sit and look into his blue eyes the words, then there is three run thru my mind ,as if a song
stuck on an old 45 record player. I wonder what brought me and him to here. Life I guess
is the sum of your choices. His eyes can only be compared to my fathers own burning blue
eyes closed years ago from the horror of lung cancer. The hot steel under my legs the State of
Texas calls a chair pulls me back to this moment, This Hot horrible gut wrenching moment,
of seeing those blue eyes of my second son looking back at me thru 2 inch glass and this nagging
thought of not what I did wrong but, Dear God did I do anything right?
I tried to do the best I could with each day I had, that I find out is a poor way to live your life.
There must be a time when we all reflect on our life , My time has come so I write this hoping to
clear my on mind.