A Mothers Pain and Joy

1:30 AM and I awake to severe pain all over. I grab on the bedside table for my cell,Do I need to call 911 ?Then with the lighted keys I see the Date June 3rd. I wonder if ever I will get thru this date with no effect. I hear people say that after the death of a child they were numb,I've waited and prayed 31 years for that feeling, It never comes. I have felt joy only a mother can ,the joy of $50. in your hand after working a second job at night cleaning offices and knowing at least for this day you will provide.I have known the pain not once but, twice of watching the tiny box go into the ground and knowing the things the little body inside will never do. The pain so great you wonder how the world around you continues to turn and if you will ever see joy in it again,for now you can't emagine laughter will ever come to you . I get to the dresser and take whatever I can ,Do not know ,nor care what they are as long as the pain stops.I look at the pictures around me and see the olive skin and blue eyes of my remaining five sons and the absence of the two I lost. That absence is always with you it becomes part of your soul.
Each picture has a name and memories Larry William(Bill) ,Jeremy (Wade) ,Chris Wayne Joesph Wiley (stillborn 1976 ) James Weylin (Died of sudden infant death syndrom 1977) John Wessley (Wess) and Clinton Wrae (my baby Wrae) Each absence of pictures is what steals your mind in the hours when only you are with your thoughts. Am I catholic or just stupid some have ask ,no neither One birth control, one IUD and my last after a tubaligation. I guess I tried but, sometimes being pregnant is your salvation in a abusive relationship. Not a good reason to bring a child into this world. When you are young and thrown into the world of adulthood you make so many mistakes, and often it is your children who suffer for them ,for that my sons I am sorry.